Solved Challenge: 5 ways to survive when you’re jobless, homeless and heart-broken

Victor's Challenge

 

The last year of my life has been like a roller-coaster.

First I realized that my marriage is not going to work, but as I have a kid I didn’t push for a divorce. But then I met a girl, which just confirmed my thoughts. I fell in love and I have decided to proceed with the divorce.

The new relationship has also been going through many ups & downs, my girlfriend has several times broken up with me, but then the next day she was calling me and apologizing for the rough words. I thought that maybe it was because we were living in two different cities and I was still officially married. I thought that when we move in together this uncertainty will stop.

We have decided that I will move in with her. I quit my job (after 11 years and a pretty good contract) and my apartment, and I have invested all my savings in the move and our vacation. Before the actual move, we’ve met for a weekend, when I've brought the first load of my stuff and I thought that we had a really good time together.

2 days before I was going to come with the rest of my things and 3 days before our vacation, she sent me a message saying that it’s not going to work out. I hoped that it’s just one of her “moments”, but this time it’s not the case. She wrote me that she fell in love with someone else!

So here I am, with no job, no place to live in, no savings and with a broken heart.

How can I deal with all the shit and get my life back?

 

Dear Victor,

We gave you this name because even though right now it may feel like a maelstrom has hit your life, we believe that there is a victory for you at the end of this road. Most people, sooner or later, face those moments in their lives, when it seems as if everything that could have gone wrong, just did! Those moments are the toughest, but those are also the times that give us the unique opportunity to address our issues and get back on track.

There is this universal saying, “when one door closes, another door opens,” and the saying is totally true. The problem is that you are normally first able to see it when you look back in time. And when you are there, in the middle of the storm, you might be struggling to look positively into the future. Especially, if you have faced several door closing.

So let’s see how we can support you with getting out of this place that may currently seem to be close to something that could be called a “shit hole.” (Please also grab your headset and listen to our podcast, where we discuss your options in detail)

We have, of course, prepared 5 options for you, and we hope that you’ll find one of them (or more) useful! So read them carefully and if anything resonates with you or inspires you to find your very own way out, just go for it!

 

Your Options are:

Option 1: Try to win her back
Option 2: Try to get your previous life back
Option 3: Do nothing & hope for the best
Option 4: Get a fresh start (but don’t really run away…)
Option 5: Build up the stronger version of yourself aka Shine

 

Option 1: Try to win her back

win her back

That’s one option that you could consider. You have mentioned that the girl has broken up with you before and soon regretted it. From the description, it looks as though there is quite a chance that she wasn’t feeling very secure in the relationship, so maybe there is an opportunity that you could win her over. But of course, before you take any action, there is the Mother of all questions that need to be answered:

 

Do you really, truly, deep in your heart want her back?

One angle to tackle this question from is the one related mostly to feelings: Is she the one? Do you really love her and feel that this is the person you want to grow old with?

The other angle is related to the more reasonable part of you: do you really want to go after a relationship with a person that breaks up with you frequently? 

An important factor here is, of course, why is she breaking up with you? Is it because her feelings are not strong enough? Or is it that she has some internal issues that she needs to solve to be able to commit fully to being with you?

Yet another angle is that there is someone else. How serious is that? Did she really fall in love or has she replaced you with someone because she couldn’t really feel secure with you?

So I guess this is the place where you need to answer the question: is she the right one for you and if yes, find out if you are the right one for her. If both of you answer yes, there’s a chance that you can make it work.

 

Option 2: Try to get your previous life back

get your previous life back

 

If getting her back is not an option, either because you’ve realized that she’s not really the one for you, or because she sticks by her decision of not being with you, you can try to see if it’s possible to get your previous life back.

You may be feeling completely lost right now and getting back to some familiar circumstances could give you a sense of comfort. Winning your past life back could simply mean trying to get your old job back. But it could also mean looking a bit deeper. You mentioned that you are married (still?) and that you have a kid. Is that door completely locked for you? Have you really ended the relationship with your wife? 

 

Reflect and answer honestly

Actually, answering that question is quite relevant for you… because even if you are completely sure that you don’t love your wife anymore, the relation between the two of you might still be unresolved, and it could have impacted the relationship with your girlfriend.

So, if you sense that getting back your previous life resonates with you, you could definitely try doing that.

 

Option 3: Do nothing & hope for the best

do nothing

I imagine that you may be feeling taken completely aback with all that has just happened in your life. Depending on your confusion level, you may not be ready to take any action. You may be feeling that the only options for you right now is to hide under the blanket, wait and see how the situation unveils.

 

…but only for a while

Hiding for a little while is not necessarily a bad idea. It could even have some benefits as opposed to hot-headed actions that you could regret in the future. One of the best things you could do while taking the time out is to process all that has just happened in your life. Take those three deep breaths before you decide on what to do next. You may simply need the time to cry/ hide in your cave/ eat ice-cream, or whatever you fancy doing when broken-hearted.

Some other potential outcomes could also be that the girl will regret her decision and come back apologizing. Or it could also happen that another opportunity will present itself in front of you- for example, a job proposal.

As long as your hiding period doesn’t last too long and especially if you use that time to figure stuff out, it may be a good option for you. But you really need to be careful not to let yourself go to a full standstill or depression.

 

Option 4: Get a fresh start (but don’t really run away…)

new life

The truth is that you may not be feeling at all like winning her or your past life back. You may also be allergic to hiding under blankets. It may be quite the opposite for you. You may actually be much more tempted to get the hell out of your little Inferno and start a new life.

That option may have some strong advantages. First of all, we’ve all heard about… out of sight, out of mind. And running away from such serious issues may be quite tempting. You are at the point where nothing holds you back, you could basically go anywhere and do anything you want. 

This could be a perfect moment for you to answer one quite important question:

 

Is there something that you’ve always wanted to do but never let yourself go after? 

This may be THE time, this may actually be the opportunity that life’s presenting to you to ensure that you FINALLY do change your life. Some people believe that if we have been neglecting our internal desires, ignoring our inner voice for a long time, the universe will start using stronger and stronger weapons to help us open our eyes. So… if there is something you’ve always wanted to do or try, or somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, you’ve got nothing to lose…

But there are also potential cons of running away and getting the fresh start. And that is especially true if you do have some issues that you need to address. But that’s the whole story for the next option…

 

Option 5: Build up the stronger version of yourself aka Shine

rise and shine

 

5 Steps Process

We truly hope that, sooner or later, you’ll be able to take up and complete the process that we’ve prepared for you. You may not be ready to take all the steps at once or right now, but you will do yourself a favor if you go through with it once you are ready.

The thing is that, if two relationships in a short period of time end pretty badly and so many things seem to go wrong, often times it’s because there are some deeper issues that need to be addressed.

 

Step 1. Secure your basic survival

OK. Things seem pretty shaky for you right now. So before you can face your emotions and issues, you have to secure a roof over your head and some inflow of income (rather sooner than later). You need some time now to get your life back on track, so it would be great if you could get a temporary cheap solution.

Would it be possible for you to stay with some family member or friend’s place? Rent a cheap apartment?

 

Step 2. Analyze what went wrong aka bite on the bullet

As soon as you have a safe place to stay at and you’ve made sure you will not die from hunger, it’s time to do a brainstorming session with yourself. 

What has REALLY happened?

Why have you gone from an unhappy marriage straight into an unhappy relationship?

If working through those questions alone is too tough, do you have a good friend that you could discuss that with? 

How about having a talk with your almost ex-wife? And your ex-girlfriend? Having a deep an honest conversation with those two ladies could be a really beneficial thing for you. You’d have to be very open and ready to listen though… you may hear some things that won’t be very pleasant.But if you do manage to open up to those difficult conversations, you may get some meaningful answers that can really help you progress in your life.

Depending on how down you really feel, and how many issues you think you may need to face, seeing a therapist could be something to be considered. Some of us still feel ashamed to ask for help when we need it, but when the shit hits the fan, it could really serve us if we had a therapist/ coach/ or counselor on our side.

We could also recommend having a look at the article we’ve prepared for our previous challenge, that may potentially shine some light on your current situation: 5 reasons why you may be creating drama in your life without even realizing it.

When you get to the bottom of what went wrong, you can start answering the questions of why things turned out the way they did for you. If you get at least some answers to those questions, you’ll be able to proceed with your life. It could also be the right time to practice some redemption towards your loved ones and yourself (you can read our article How to cope with a bad decision. 5 ways to forgive yourself and move on to find inspiration)

 

Step 3. Find out what do you want to do with your life aka Take time out

A topic of getting to discover what you really want is quite popular here at You’ve got 5 options. We really recommend taking some time just for yourself to reflect on what it is that you’d like to do with your life…

Do you want a fresh start on a tropical island? Do you want to try to get your old life back? Are there things you’ve always wanted to do but you didn’t find the courage to go after?

This may look very different for each person, some of us are quite sure what we want to do, we “just” haven’t found the way to do it (Yet!), whilst others are quite far from discovering what they really want in life.

It may be that you are feeling very confused and you feel clueless about where to go next. That’s quite normal if you don’t have the clear feeling of what’s your upcoming move, start with baby steps. Look for the things that bring you joy and try to spend some more time with yourself. We have that great toolbox from Mark Manson that we often recommend.

 

Step 4. Go for what you really want aka Rise

When you’re done with your thinking and you’ve allowed yourself to take the time to address your issues and emotions, and hopefully also managed to come to terms with what’s your next move, it’s time to rise.

What we mean by Rise, is to Go for what you want. You may need to get a plan on how to get there (have a look at our last week’s challenge).

A good way is to set up a goal for yourself and get clarity on how you’re going to get there. This is the place where finding a personal coach is a great choice. A coach can help you get to what you want quicker and in a more efficient way. 

 

Step 5. Build up the stronger version of yourself aka Shine

By the time you get to that step, you have gone through quite a process and if you have addressed your feelings & issues instead of running away, you really have learned a lot. And applying those lessons learned in order to ensure that you’re not going down that same old road will really allow you to SHINE.

We often say that Life is a school and all the time we’re learning new things about ourselves. If we take those learnings as opportunities to grow, what we’re really doing is creating a better version of ourselves. 

 

Summary

So, Dear Victor, we hope that those options, and especially the process that we have prepared for you, is something that will be helpful.

It’s actually quite a lot to go through. So, what may be a really good idea for you, is to go through this article and podcast a few times. It may be that initially you select one of the options and later on you realize that another one may work better. It may also be that you’ll make a hybrid or select something completely different.

But what we most hope for, is that you will Rise & Shine, in your very own best way. Because in reality, there is only one person that knows how to get back on track, and that person is you! 

All the best wishes and good luck!