Thank you so much for sharing your challenge with You’ve got 5 options! We have to admit, it is a tough one but don’t worry – we’ve got you covered.
This challenge made us think about many different topics, hence the solution is a bit longer than usual and supported by several stand-alone Articles (here and here)
That’s mainly because we can relate. Fully. We are both moms who love challenges and excitement and we are ourselves trying to live the life full of passion AND to be good mothers. Simultaneously. It’s not easy, but it’s possible (if being a “good mom” is possible, to begin with – but that’s a topic for a whole different Challenge).
Ready Julienne? Put on some headphones to listen to the podcast where we discuss your Challenge and read your 5 options below
So here’s your Challenge:
“I am a chaotic impulsive person!
I cannot stand having a quiet life, the second it starts getting steady and peaceful, I manage to create something that messes everything up! I like excitement and challenges, and when everything goes perfectly and smoothly when everything falls into place, then, my alarm starts ticking and I start working on the next mess
It worked quite ok for me until I got family and kids… before it only involved me… now it affects my family… and it started not to be ok anymore.
Examples: I had a job where I started mastering more or less what I had to do, I knew key persons that made my job easier, I was on top of my game... Then it started getting too perfect, so I resigned, and I started something else just like that… Impulsively (I am a very impulsive person).
The new job was a nightmare, I had a terrible manager… it affected me so much as well as my family, since every time I came home I was crying, I was only thinking of what to do the next morning because I didn’t want to meet this manager... I wasn’t there for my kids... I had simply no energy or strength to be with them… I had to see a doctor who advised me to quit… So I started looking for something else and the whole journey was a mess but not in a good way… and the worse was that it didn’t only affect me but my kids and husband
The problem is that I still have the need to make a mess whenever everything is going fine… I didn’t learn from the past experiences… and I am selfish to still mess up again even if I know that it will affect my family… But on the other hand, my life would be so boring, and I know I would be depressed… (I was there too) and that would be worse for my kids
Anyway… you will probably think that this is luxury problem… but it is really something I would like to heal… so I can be happy with a peaceful and quiet life.“
Few words before we start…
We always find it amazing that the same story can be understood and felt in dozens of different ways and it all depends on the mindset and the attitude of the listener. So darling, do you want to hear “our version” of your story? Please pay special attention to all the words we have stricken-through and what we have written instead in the bold black font:
I am a dynamic chaotic impulsive person who loves excitement and challenges!
I cannot stand having a quiet predictable life, the second it starts getting steady routine-driven and peaceful stagnant, I manage to create something that messes everything up, I feel like challenging status quo and make it exciting again!
I like excitement, and challenges, and when everything goes perfectly and smoothly life poses no new challenges for me, when everything falls in place becomes predictable, then, my alarm starts ticking and I start working on the next mess move
It worked quite ok for me until I but since I got family and kids it has become more demanding… before it only involved me… now its potential negative consequences of my choices could affect my family… and it started to not to be ok anymore.
Examples: I had a job where I started mastering more or less what I had to do, I knew key persons that made my job easier, I was on top of my game... Then it started getting too perfect predictable and boring, so I resigned, and I started something else just like that… Impulsively (I am a very impulsive person).
The new job was a nightmare, I had a terrible manager… it affected me so much as well as my family, since every time I came home I was crying, I was only thinking of what to do the next morning because I didn’t want to meet this manager... I wasn’t there for my kids… I had simply no energy or strength to be with them… I had to see a doctor who advised me to quit… So I started looking for something else and the whole journey was a mess but not in a good way a valuable lesson, though it was emotionally difficult and demanding… … and the worse was that the unpleasant side effect of my decision was it didn’t only affect me but unintentionally my kids and husband
The problem situation I have to solve is that I still have the need to make a mess whenever everything is going fine I need to find a way to minimize the negative impact on my family while still being able to follow my innate desire for excitement and challenges… I didn’t what I learn from the past experiences is that it may not be so easy… and I am selfish to still mess up again even if I know that it will affect my family I don’t want to give up on who I am but I don’t want my family to pay the consequences either… But on the other hand, my life would be so boring, and I know that if I lead a boring life I would be depressed… (I was there too) and that would be worse for my kids
Anyway… you will probably think that this is a luxury problem I hope you will understand my problem and be able to give me some ideas… but it is really something I would like to heal… a peaceful and quiet life so I can be happy with myself and true to who I really am while not affecting negatively my close ones.
Do you see what we just did there?
We removed all the words that have somehow a negative connotation and replaced them with more neutral expressions. Sounds different, doesn’t it? We (Marta & I that is) have a theory: one of the root causes of why this situation became a challenge in the first place, is the fact that you don’t fully accept who you are as a person. And as a result, you beat yourself up way more about it than is necessary.
Your problem is not a “luxury one”, dear. Your problem – as a matter of fact – is extremely valid and more common than you think.
The “Cinderella Syndrome”
See, every society has created more or less default view of how a human shall act or behave in every stage of their life. When you are single, you are allowed (or even encouraged) to experience, travel, build your career and reach for the stars. However once you’ve become married with children, you are suddenly turned into “Cinderella after midnight” – the adventure part of your life is gone; no more late night excitements, fancy parties, beautiful dresses or kisses in the moonlight. You are sent to the castle’s kitchen where you are meant from now on to perform rather routine, everyday tasks in order to serve those around you.
It’s not bad; you like your “job” and find it fulfilling. Yet every now and then you sneak out and try that one little glass slipper you kept from “the good old days”. And although you know you “shouldn’t do it” it feels fantastic to have it on your foot again.
Many of us feel like Cinderella sometimes; like a woman who gave away her second glass slipper to the Prince Charming and sometimes she wishes she would get it back just to have a ball once again. For some reason it is expected that once we get into a family life, big chunk of our identity and personality is supposed to “magically disappear”; we “should” put on hold our dreams and desires and act solely in a “family-oriented” way.
The bad news is – It’s impossible.
Make Yourself a priority
Don’t get me wrong, compromises are sometimes necessary. Updating your “life’s priorities list” is inevitable and many times, your children and partner will sit on the top of that list. And that’s perfectly fine, but from time to time, you need to make yourself a priority, otherwise, you’ll end up unbalanced.
Making “yourself” a priority is a skill – a skill that is based on self-love and self-acceptance; today we give you a basic startup kit that will allow you to slowly obtain this skill;
Your 5 Options are:
- Fake It Till You Make it
- Drama Creation: Make sure Your need for excitement comes from a good place
- Forgive and Accept yourself
- Finding balance: Get in sync with yourself and realize your true potential
- Find your passion and channel it… in a constructive way
And now, please click on images below to read about each Option:
Option 1: Fake it till you make it
…aka Give away your second glass slipper and forget who you are (or at least learn not to remember)
Darling, we need to be honest: we are not a big fan of this option. However, we decided to present it simply because you asked us to teach you how to ”be happy with a peaceful and quiet life”
Is “peaceful” and “quite” the same?
Firstly, there is a difference between peaceful life and a quiet life. Some people can have a peaceful life that is far from being quiet and that is because “peaceful life” means a balanced life; life where you go each night to bed with a peaceful mind and are happy with yourself.
We, humans, are all different; some find balance in traveling the world with a backpack and having constant adventures, others – in having a family, a cozy place they call home and in the feeling of stability. And then, there are those who need to have both… and, guess what? That is totally fine as well.
So, do you want to have a peaceful life or a quiet life? Because if your wish is to turn yourself into a woman who enjoys quietness and routine, jump into next paragraph!
Talk Yourself into it!
If you want to learn how to enjoy a quiet life, while being someone with an adventurous personality then you simply need to talk yourself into it. It is possible, many of us tell ourselves bullshit stories our entire lives and we are able to trick our minds into believing in them. I know it sounds harsh and I am not advising you to lie to yourself; I am rather proposing you to make a conscious decision about choosing a quiet life and sticking to it every single day.
How to do it? First of all, while talking to yourself you need to form this statement in a proper way.
Don’t say “I need to live a quiet life” or “I want to be happy with quiet life”, but rather “From now on I am deciding to have a quiet stable life” or “I am choosing to live my life quietly because I believe this is good for me and my family”. This form of a statement gives you power and control over the situation. Now it’s a choice. YOUR choice.
Each time you feel like doing something “adventurous”, “exciting” or “spontaneous”, take three deep breaths first and say to yourself: “I am deciding to have a quiet life so I am CHOOSING not to do it. That is my choice”. Say it a couple of times and trust me – your urge to follow your “crazy instinct” will fade away.
How does it work?
This technique has two angles.
“The choice” Angle
When you express your thoughts and words in a form of a decision, it gives you a feeling of control over your life, because it is indeed your choice. Your inner battles will be easier to handle as you will make a conscious choice about who you want to be.
“The proof by assertion” Angle
Additionally, if you repeat these kinds of statement DAILY, your success rate will increase significantly; it’s a “proof by assertion” type of an effect – if you hear something over and over again your brain will sooner or later start to believe it is true, regardless if it is.
Our subconscious mind can be reprogrammed into believing anything we wish to believe. Unfortunately, it’s a double-edged sword. You can use it to reprogram yourself into a happy, successful, wealthy person or you can pretty much drag yourself down your entire life with some negative assertions.
/The topic of reprogramming your mind and the subconscious mind, in general, is very broad. If you are interested in exploring it more, please let us know. There are also plenty of books out there to get familiar with the topic; for starters, we recommend the absolute classic “The power of your subconscious mind” by Joseph Murphy)
There could be couple of outcomes
It may turn out that you had some anxiety connected with the lack of control over yourself and once you gain it back by making conscious choices, quiet and routine life will be more fulfilling than you ever expected.
It could also be that your “mess-making” was as a consequence of that anxiety (more details on the “mess making” topic in Option 2).
What if it doesn’t work?
If however, against all your efforts in reprogramming yourself into a “quiet person” you still have a longing to do something more adventurous then please look into Option 3 and onwards.
After all, we can reprogram our mind by tricking it into believing whatever we want it to believe, but we cannot reprogram our soul.
Your life’s calling and true feelings will always go back knocking to the gates of your mind, no matter how many walls you will build around it.
Option 2: Make sure that your excitement comes from a good place
Are you Cinderella or a drama-driven Stepmother?
Have you ever wonder why some people “mess up their lives” while on the surface it looks like they have everything they could ever wish for? Why some of us create (most of the time unintentionally) dramas and “cliffhanger type of situations”?
And most importantly, are you that kind of a person?
In your challenge description, you have mentioned several times that when everything goes smoothly you get bored and you are “working on a new mess”. The key outtake of this statement is that it seems as if you consciously plan to put yourself in a difficult, messy situation.
So, in this Option, the Mother of All questions is:
Are you really going for the mess (consciously or not) or are you just trying to be more in sync with your true self but it accidentally turns out as a mess?
In Option 2, we focus on the first possibility – that you indeed take your spontaneous decisions in order to create a drama in your life – and we will help you to realize it and start working on the issue.
There are many reasons why people would strive to regularly mess up their life; usually they do it due to motives they are not aware of and most of the time unconsciously (Unless you are “Game of Thrones”/”House of Cards” type of character which could explain a lot ).
What could be a motivation to dramatize your blissful existence? Please read the 5 reasons below and see if any of those ring any bells in your head:
- You like the adrenaline and the energy that comes with it
- Drama and mess distract you from facing your real issues and challenges
- Drama is familiar to you because those are the conditions you were raised in / you are used to
- Your “mess creation” is a cry for help
- Self – fulfilling prophecy: You create a mess to confirm that you always create a mess.
If, while reading the reason above, something caught your attention then we may be onto something! As “Drama and mess creation” is such a broad topic, we have decided to go into more details in a separate article “5 reasons you may be creating drama in your life without even realizing it”. Please take a look; not only are we explaining some of the root causes of drama-seeking behavior, but we are also providing a couple of solutions about how to cope with it.
Option 3: Forgive and Accept Yourself…
…Put your two glass slippers on Cinderella and learn to accept yourself fully!
Do you remember what we did with your challenge at the very beginning of this article? We have re-wrote it.
We have replaced all the negative statements with more neutral ones and it didn’t sound so bad anymore.
But the question is: Why have you written it like this in a first place?
As you know, we are neither psychologist nor therapists (at least, not yet), but the striking thing in your “Challenge description” is that you were beating yourself up way too much more than you should have.
First of all, it seems that you don’t accept the impulsive, adventurous, challenge-seeking side of your personality. You see it as something negative and it looks like you feel guilty for wanting an exciting life. Secondly, it also seems that you still beat yourself up for the decisions that you’ve made, especially the one about changing jobs. We could read from the way you wrote about yourself that you may carry some self-resentment and lack of self-acceptance.
In this Option, we would like to address these topics and hopefully give some ideas on how to start loving and accepting yourself fully.
First, You need to Forgive Yourself
One of the biggest obstacles in self-love and self-acceptance is the remorse and lack of forgiveness that we hold against ourselves for the past decisions and actions.
This results in putting yourself down, torturing yourself with the “re-play” of what has happened and being unable to learn from the experience.
How to cope with Bad Decisions?
Have you ever wondered what would happen if your decision about changing jobs had a different outcome? Imagine that the new job is actually great, the manager is awesome and you are really happy with your “impulsiveness” now.
Would you have a challenge at all?
See dear, what you are coping here with is the fact that you’ve made a decision that turned out to be wrong – and not that you’ve made a decision in a first place; your impulsiveness or challenge-seeking approach has not much to do with it.
What if the decision about changing jobs would be well-thought out and carefully planned and turned out bad anyway? Would it affect you and your family any less?
Your decision was wrong not because it was impulsive. It was “wrong” because of the outcome.Some people make very well – thought out, carefully rationalized and logical decisions and those are… also wrong decisions! And many times those decisions are wrong precisely because they were over-rationalised and the impulse, sparkle or gut feeling was killed by a process by of overthinking and over planning (actually for cautious and very rational people it may be even harder to accept that they’ve made a mistake and to forgive themselves, as they’ve “planned it all so well”)
And unless you are single (and an alien) it will have some impact on people around you.
But the thing is that you are the one who controls this impact. With every bad decision comes a lesson and from now on, we would like you to always focus on seeking and embracing it.
Please read How to cope with a Bad Decision? 5 Steps to forgive yourself and move on to find out how to move on from a bad decision.
Remember dear, Comeback is Always Stronger than the Setback!
You need to accept and embrace yourself
Now that you have (hopefully) forgiven yourself for your bad decision, it’s time to level up and accept the very awesome person you already are.
Sounds pretty simple, huh? Well, it’s not, but no worries! It requires focus and practice; just like obtaining any other skill in life. The most important thing is to start and to be persistent in your training.
We humans are all unique. It sounds like such a cliché, but the funny thing about clichés is that they usually carry universal wisdom. So darling, what you have to acknowledge first is that you are a marvelous person and the way you are is truly special.
Your impulsiveness and ability to take quick decisions could be perceived as something careless but many people will find it truly inspiring and fascinating. There are people in this world who would like to have your courage and your “balls” to “just go for it”. When some of us may sit and overthink every single move and detail and end up hesitating for months or years, you JUST DO IT.
It also means that you are fearless and you are not afraid to act and show that you don’t like the situation you are in and you want to actively change it.
You need to love and embrace that part of yourself because it is precious. Your drive and courage are impressive and if you only manage to channel it the right way, you can move mountains and inspire people around you.
Please take a look at these Two Challenges I Challenge you! Two 21-days challenges to build self-love and self-acceptance. You do like challenges, right? Give it a go, it could potentially change your life.
Option 4: Finding balance: Get in sync with yourself and realize your true potential
You’ve come a long way to get here, but we promise: now you are ready to rock it!
If you have already gone through the “self-forgiveness” and “self-acceptance” processes, it’s time to incorporate your fantastic self into your role as a wife and a mother.
What does it mean to get “in sync” with yourself?
It simply means accepting and acknowledging who you really are and to start gradually fitting that “self” of yours into the social roles that you currently “play”.
So you are a dynamic, energetic and impulsive person? Take the very best out of those aspects of your personality and use them in your life as a mom and wife.
Yes, you’ve heard it right! USE THEM!
Stop “checking in” with others!
See, societies and cultures have a couple of different “definitions” of how a good mom should be and behave.
And we – most of the time – pretty much take them for granted and obey them, without even questioning them. We constantly “check in” with people around us (parents, family, partners, friends… even neighbours!), but also with totally abstract entities like “social norms”, “cultural values” or even television and the Internet – if we measure up to the image of a person we are supposed to be.
Have you ever wondered where those “definitions” and “opinions” are coming from? Who has come up with them? Who sustains them?
And who the f*** is in charge of all this mess?
The answer is confusing yet real: Everyone and No one
We contribute to those stiff definitions by complying with them on a daily basis. Most of the time, we do it on autopilot – this is how we were programmed since early childhood. But then, we start to experience those “glitches” in the software, when we feel that “this is not who I am”. We want to live and act differently from what is “commonly accepted”.
What happens then?
We start to feel guilty for wanting something else. We get easily shamed by others by not measuring up to “the way we should act”. We allow ourselves to get cornered and psychologically forced to conform to social/cultural expectations.
Have you ever heard any of these statements?
“You are not supposed to act like this”
“This is not how I raised you”
“This is not how mother should behave”
“It’s time to grow up”
“You’re acting crazy”
If yes (and most certainly, we have), then you know that someone was trying to put you in a very tight box. We think it’s time to break it.
How to get in sync with yourself? Step by step
Remember that no matter what you do or decide in your life, someone will always judge you. Someone will always have an opinion. Someone will always criticise you.
You will never be able to please everyone, so how about just pleasing yourself?
1. Make your own definition of a wife and a mother
If you ignore all the voices coming from people around you, and forget about the “norms” and “definitions” of motherhood you were provided with, what kind of mom would you like to be?
What would be the best way to incorporate your fun and adventurous personality into your family life? In what situations could your impulsiveness bring joy and healthy excitement to your husband and kids?
Once you get clear in your head what kind of mom you would like to be… Just be!
Take your kids on a crazy adventure. Use your impulsiveness to surprise your husband with something special and sexy (We can bet he’ll love it). Do all the things that Julienne always wanted to do!
3. Stop Hiding!
It may not be easy at first but it will pay off big time in the future. Wear your own personal definition of a mother like a badge of honor and be proud of it!
At this point you may notice that your kids enjoy you more; that’s natural. Remember that Happy mom equals happy kids!
4. Surround yourself with people who accept you and embrace you
Not everyone will like “the new you”. Not everyone will feel comfortable with the way you are. What is more, you may experience some criticism and judgment.
But you know what? That’s alright. That’s, in fact, even better!
Try to detach yourself from the critics, naysayers and all the people who will try to force you to change. Surround yourself with those who accept you and embrace you. This is your “soul tribe”; “the close circle” that will love you and support you even (or rather especially!) when you don’t”play” or “pretend” to be someone you are not. Keep them around!
5. Enjoy and spread the love!
You will notice that the more and more you get in sync with yourself, the more authentic and balanced you become. Enjoy it! And definitely, check out Option 5 where we talk about sharing your passion with others!
Option 5: Share Your Passion with Others… in a constructive way
The Cherry on the Top
The last option is the little cherry on the top of everything that we have proposed to you so far. But you know what they say, little cherries can make a huge difference.
You have mentioned in your Challenge Description that you get bored easily and you always seek new challenges. It seems that you may not have found your true life passion yet. Or, you know what it is, but for some reason, you have neglected it.
“The Passion” also known as “The Calling” or “True Life Purpose” sounds like some kind of luxury item that we should reach for only when the rest of our life is already “settled”. We need to have a proper education, more money, a better job before we dig into that “passion stuff”. Something like, “yeah, yeah I get it, you love acting but find yourself “a real job” or “So you want to travel the world and take pictures of all the exotic places you have visited? Sounds cool, but wait until your kids grow up first”.
Wrong. Wrong BIG TIME.
Is sitting in a “waiting room” for everything else to settle/grow up/become stable an actual purpose of life?
Or is fucking living THE PURPOSE of life?
What’s your life’s passion?
Some people have it “simple”; they just KNOW. Like for instance, I always knew I wanted to be a writer and I don’t need to look any further. There are additional “little passions” that I have discovered on the way, but writing will always be my number one (btw, that doesn’t necessarily “make it simple” but that’s a totally different story).
So, do you have a passion in your life, Julienne? Something that you simply love to do and it makes your heart beat faster? What were your dreams and goals before you became a mom? If you know what it is already, asks yourself when was the last time you were doing it? Was it yesterday? A week ago? A month? Or a year? If it’s been too long darling, it’s time to revisit that part of you again.
Well, I don’t know what my passion is…
That is not an excuse. Many people are confused about their passions and there are many reasons for that. Some people think they are not particularly good at anything, so they think they were born without a talent/passion (that’s a huge bullshit alert, but we’ll come back to it in a second). Others got so much into planning their lives according to some kind of “scenario” that they “put on hold” or totally neglect their passions. Another group thinks “passions are not a serious business”.
Please take a look at this really fantastic article by Mark Manson if you would like to discover what your passion is. 7 STRANGE QUESTIONS THAT HELP YOU FIND YOUR LIFE PURPOSE. Questions are strange indeed, but very much on spot and they will definitely help you to discover your passion.
Good luck Julienne, and hope to hear from you!