3rd Golden Rule before You “Get Out There”: make sure to re-invent your “dating self”

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BURN YOUR OLD “DATING-SELF” IN FLAMES…

Sounds a bit drastic, doesn’t it? But the truth is if every single time you end up with “a wrong boyfriend” and your relationships turns sour, it’s time to take a look at your “dating self” and make some changes.

Think about your T-D-B (“Typical Dating Behaviour”) and try to recognize patterns – activities, places, and scenarios that are repeating themselves regardless the person you are dating.

Here are a couple of questions that can help you to discover your T-D-B:

  1. Where do I usually meet people that I’m dating?

  2. Who makes the first move?

  3. How fast do I have sex with a new lover?

  4. Am I usually drunk or sober when I get together with someone new?

  5. Where do I usually go for dates?

  6. Do I stick to some “dating rules” (“I never text first”, “A guy should always pay” etc.)?

You may realize that you met your last 3 boyfriends in a bar (maybe even the same bar!) and you were always slightly tipsy. Or that you are always taking girls to the cinema to watch indie horror movies (and then you wonder why half of them never return your phone calls). Maybe you jump into bed straight away and fall into a “booty call trap”…or quite the opposite, you are cold for too long and people you date are either losing interest or branding you as a friend (the “strictly platonic” type).

Whatever your patterns are, write them down and think if you like to change them a little. It doesn’t mean that you have to turn into a completely different person – rather follow your gut and realize which ones don’t serve you any longer. Afterall, if you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.

…AND RISE LIKE A PHOENIX!

BURN YOUR OLD “DATING-SELF” IN FLAMES…

Sounds a bit drastic, doesn’t it? But the truth is if every single time you end up with “a wrong boyfriend” and your relationships turns sour, it’s time to take a look at your “dating self” and make some changes.

Think about your T-D-B (“Typical Dating Behaviour”) and try to recognize patterns – activities, places, and scenarios that are repeating themselves regardless the person you are dating.

Here are a couple of questions that can help you to discover your T-D-B:

  1. Where do I usually meet people that I’m dating?

  2. Who makes the first move?

  3. How fast do I have sex with a new lover?

  4. Am I usually drunk or sober when I get together with someone new?

  5. Where do I usually go for dates?

  6. Do I stick to some “dating rules” (“I never text first”, “A guy should always pay” etc.)?

You may realize that you met your last 3 boyfriends in a bar (maybe even the same bar!) and you were always slightly tipsy. Or that you are always taking girls to the cinema to watch indie horror movies (and then you wonder why half of them never return your phone calls). Maybe you jump into bed straight away and fall into a “booty call trap”…or quite the opposite, you are cold for too long and people you date are either losing interest or branding you as a friend (the “strictly platonic” type).

Whatever your patterns are, write them down and think if you like to change them a little. It doesn’t mean that you have to turn into a completely different person – rather follow your gut and realize which ones don’t serve you any longer. Afterall, if you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.

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…AND RISE LIKE A PHOENIX!

Imagine today is the first day of your love life. What’s past it’s past and now you have a chance to design your dating experience the way you want it. What would you go for?

While re-inventing your “dating-self” it is crucial to stick to two cardinal rules(1) be open-minded and curious but (2) never force yourself to do something that you feel really uncomfortable with, as the most important thing while dating is to feel relaxed. Everyone is different and we all have comfort zones that vary in sizes – what may not be a big deal for one person could be totally terrifying for another. So what we are heading here for is not necessarily the fast pace of your change but the progress. 

Keeping all of that in mind, start trying different things than you wouldn’t normally go for.

If you always usually meet people online, uninstall your dating app or stop Facebook/Instagram stalking for some time and try different methods instead. Go out with your single friends and see who is “out there”. Go on a blind date or allow your close ones to “Play the Cupid” and find you a potential match.

Check out if there are any events for singles in the area. Start to explore nearby neighborhoods or cities and things they offer (special events like arts, museum, extreme sports, or car racing – whatever floats your boat, just not in your usual geographical location). Look for potential dates at the gym, a class you are taking or a hobby group you are a member of (meeting new people through a hobby group is a really great way to find someone who shares same interests as you).

If, on the other hand, you are one of those who is still feeling weird and uncomfortable about meeting people online then it is high time to try it! There is still quite some prejudice about “tindering”, but according to the research conducted by wedding planning site The Knot Online dating is now the most popular way spouses-to-be meet. In 2017, 19% of brides reported meeting their significant other through online dating (17%) and social media (2%), up from 14% in 2015. Other popular ways couples meet include through friends (17%), college (15%) and work (12%)”.

Data are quite convincing but if you still have some reservations, I feel you; I have never tried a dating app and even if I know plenty of stories where people met on Tinder and “lived happily ever after” I am still very mixed about the whole dating online business. So for hardcore stubborn people (like me), I would propose to make a little research first. The world doesn’t end with Tinder, there is plenty of different solutions (you can start with “Which dating app is right for you? Use this guide to figure it out.” – a really comprehensive article).

TRY SOME CREATIVE AND “NOT-SO-TYPICAL” DATES

Ok, so there is a chance you are one of those super-inventive, spontaneous people who always do something totally unusual on dates (and if that’s the case – try something typical for once!). Most of us, however, end up in the same traditional dating scenarios: food and beverage consumption – be it “Starbucks-ing”, dinner at the restaurant or cooking at home – pub crawling, movie watching (you know the drill – Netflix and Chill) and taking a walk in a park/at the beach/in a city to see some (mostly random) “stuff”.

Nothing wrong with that, but if you feel like it’s time to spice it up a little (you are, after all, trying to re-invent your old “dating-self”, right? ), check out this cool articles with some fun and unique ideas for dates here and here )

Below, you can find my top favorite picks for “not-so-typical” dates:

I. ICE-SKATING RING

If you can’t skate but your date can – not only you’ll have a chance to learn something new but you will also get to see if your partner is a relaxed and funny person, rather than short-tempered, impatient and despotic “boot-camp-type-of-coach”.
If you can skate but your date can’t – you can show your skills and do something useful! Even if the date doesn’t turn into something more, at least you will be remembered as that guy/girl that “taught me how to ice-skate”.
If you both can skate – you are in for a treat!
If you both can’t skate – you are in for a loooot of laughs!

Plus, in every scenario, you can hold hands and hug without “the first-time awkwardness”

II. TAKE A TRIAL CLASS IN… WELL, ANYTHING!

It’s really awesome to try new things and at the same time observe the chemistry you and your date generate while being a little bit out of your comfort zones.

Check out some offers for free (or almost-free) trial classes in your area. It can be anything from a couples’ dance class, finger painting, cooking, skydiving, horseriding or good ol’ pottery making (if you’ve seen “Ghost”, you know very well what potential lies beneath this activity).

III. GO TO AN AMUSEMENT / THEME PARK

Going on a date to an amusement park puts you in an exciting mood, and when you start exploring attractions, roller coasters, and ice-creams, your brain will produce a lot I-feel-happy-and-excited hormones (adrenaline, endorphins, serotonin). Even if your date doesn’t go exactly as you wished, come on dude… you’ve just been to an amusement park!

IV. PLAY “TRUTH OR DARE”

It’s as old as it gets but somehow… doesn’t get old at all. There are different rules and ways to play this game, but the bottom line is simple: you get to ask questions in a relaxed and cheeky atmosphere, that you would normally feel uncomfortable to ask. And if your dare is a kiss, what’s better than that?

V. PRETEND TO BE A TOURIST

Pretending to be a tourist is a great way to turn on your curiosity and learn new awesome things about your own city/place you live in. You can either pretend that one of you is a foreigner and the other one a guide (honestly, kind of sexy) or you can both act and behave like tourists (eg. asking people on a street for directions and recommendations). You can even take it as far as changing your names, identities, and language – more spice, more fun!

VI. JOIN A PROTEST OR MARCH

It doesn’t have to be an Amnesty International type of protest or a political manifestation; consider something lighter. How about joining a protest against cutting down an old tree in a park or taking part in health awareness march? It gives you a great chance to see if you have similar values and opinions about different topics; plus people who gather around a good cause have that special fire in them and become very attractive.

VII: GO TO A PSYCHIC OR FORTUNE-TELLER

Best dates I’ve ever been on were the ones where something “spooky” happened; Not only it gives a bit of a mysterious vibe but it usually ends up with a lot of laughter and really special memories. Visiting local psychic or fortune-teller may be a really unique and hilarious way to kickstart your dating. Just remember not to take it too seriously and not to deep-dive into your entire love history – especially if that’s your first date.

AND DON’T FORGET TO DATE… YOURSELF!

Last but not least, remember to take yourself out on a date once in a while.

It may sound weird at first, but people who feel comfortable and relaxed in their own company are projecting that same confidence when they are with other people.

Go for a dinner and movie alone. Wander around the streets of your city or take a one-day trip to an interesting place nearby. You can also use any ideas from “unique dates” list above and try it on your own.

Instead of waiting for a perfect date to happen, just create it! Not only you will gradually gain more courage and confidence but you will also learn how to have fun alone. Trust me, there is nothing more attractive than a person who knows how to rock their free time on their own and enjoy it!

Read About The 5 Golden Rules:

Golden Rule 1
Make sure you’re mentally ready

Golden Rule 2
Make sure you ex-orcise your space 

Golden Rule 3: (you are here)
Make sure to re-invent your “dating self”

Golden Rule 4
Make sure you are truly open 

Golden Rule 5:
Make sure to relax, let go and have fun!